Music: Whitney Avalon
Princess Rap Battle Mrs. Claus vs. Mary Poppins
Mary:
When there’s a looming battle to be faced and fought, the lesson is: get right to it
Practically perfect people prefer to be polite,
But sometimes you just have to say “screw it”
You never get applause
You’re the dependent Claus
You’re known for wrapping toys
But my rapping skill destroys
I’m money in the Banks so show some respect
If you tear me up like paper then I’ll resurrect
And I suspect you should check your cholesterol twice
Hey, fat cat, how are you at catching mice?
You’re like a piecrust, so easily smashed
I’ll feed the birds what’s left of you once you’ve been trashed
I hear it’s been years since the North Pole got rigid
Today’s forecast says you’re entirely frigid
Mrs. Claus:
Don’t go there, honey, the word around town
Is just a spoonful of sugar gets you to go down
The parrot on your parasol does nothing but protest (Hey!)
You’re a stuck-up servant, ho-ho-horribly dressed
The biggest charity since ever, we help the masses
With you a couple kids get splinters in their asses (Cheeky!)
Your rhymes are weak - you’re a low stakes player
Come at me, freak - I’ll one-horse open slay ya
I’m behind the scenes, but that doesn’t mean I’m dumb
I run the workshop, keep the books, and advise my sugar plum
I’m a baker, all about these rolls, a big broad bruiser
Even your reflection thinks you’re a loser
Mary:
I find this a bore, let’s double it up
Mrs. Claus:
Oh, bring it on, sister, we will mess your shit up!
Mrs. Claus: Bert
Bert: Santa
Santa: Mary
Mary: …Mrs.?
Bert:
Extemporized before your very eyes
Love to laugh at jolly guys I despise
I likes what I raps and I raps what I likes
‘cause damn right Van Dyke rocks these mics
You’re an icon of greed that’s perverted the season
You give coal to bad kids, Mary teaches ‘em reason, she’s
Mary:
Super classy, swagolistic, extremely ferocious
Mary & Bert:
Super classy, swagolistic, extremely ferocious
Mary:
I could do this whole verse backwards, but I truly feel
I’m through wasting my time, because you’re not even real
Santa:
Fool, I’m real, and I’m spectacular
This Dick can’t stick to an accent or vernacular
Mrs. Claus:
Your ugly carpet bag might impress a dunce
Santa:
But my sack holds billions of presents at once
The whole world counts down to December twenty-fourth
Winter is coming, I’m the “King in the North”
Mrs. Claus:
Drinking one Coke a year has made us rich
Santa:
My list’s never wrong, it says you’re a bitch
Mary:
Please don’t act like you’re some kind of saint, Nick
Bert:
Always spying on minors
Mary & Bert:
That’s jailbait, prick
Mrs. Claus:
This boring British wench needs a long winter’s nap
Santa:
You’ve been a naughty girl, shut up and sit on my lap
Mary:
That’s quite enough of that, the winds have changed here
Let’s see how well you fly without your reindeer