Music: Amanda Green/Tom Kitt
Oh God how did it come to this?
Oh Laura, Laura what did I miss?
Did you really just walk out the door?
Can it be that you don't love me anymore?
Bet you think I"m gona panic.
Get all sad and weird and manic.
But if you want to see me suffer more.
Then you should have got to me before.
Oh Laura, Laura... I pity you.
Cause I've had a life of heartache you can never live up to!
My Desert Island All-Time Top 5 Breakups--in chronologicals order:
Number one-Allison Ashworth! Two-Penny Hardwick!
Three-Charlie Nicholson! Four-Sarah Kendrew! And number five-Jackie Allen!
Do you notice anything in particular about the list, Laura?
Yeah, do you?
These are the ones that tore my heart out.
These are the ones that ate me alive.
You might squeeze into the top ten, Laura.
But you're nowhere near the top five!
These are the girls who got in early.
Scarred me for life, I have no doubt
But you're too late now.
You don't rate that.
Kind of hurt, that kind of clout.
Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed.
But sweet sweet Laura...you.
Don't even make the list!
This is nothing personal, please.
Don't kick yourself or wonder why.
The simple fact is that we're too old Laura.
To really make each other cry.
Those days are gone and I'm thankful.
We can skip the drama and the pain.
Here, take my car, there's a tankful.
I won't lose myself or go insane
Oh Laura, Laura, has your love died?
Cause if you leave me Laura.
I...can smoke inside!
Cause losing you is like having no cash,
It's like having a cold in the middle of summer.
Losing you is a sold-out movie.
No big deal, just kind of a bummer.
It's a pizza dream.
An ice cream headache.
That you know will soon be gone.
Five minutes of pain,
then you move on...
You move on!
Cause you know, you're not really offeringย him anything new here
If you wanna force your way onto the list, Laura,
You'll have to do a lot better than this!
So bye bye Laura.
Nice try Laura.
You came far Laura.
Close but no cigar!
You can't shame me like Alison!
Betray me like Penny!
Or disrupt my life like Jackie!
Or crush me like Charlie!
And I'm stronger than when Sarah left!
Gloomy, sure, but not bereft!
And though I see a trend here.
I am nowhere near the end here!
You do not represent.
My last best change.
At a meaningful relationship.
And let me give you one last tip!
Hey, I forgot my toiletry bag.
Laura, listen, we're just being stupid.
Let's just order in tonight and sort this out.
...Goodbye, Rob. Take care of yourself.
My Desert Island All-Time.
Top 5 Breakups.
My five-star humiliations.
Soul quaking shake-ups.
Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed.
But sweet sweet Laura.
You,you, you, you, you!
...don't even make the list.