Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim
Music: Stephen Sondheim
Please hello, America back
Commodore Perry send hello!
Also comes memorial plaque
President Fillmore wish bestow.
Emperor read our letter? If no
Commodore Perry very sad.
Emperor like our letter? If so
Commodore Perry very merry
President Fillmore still more glad.
Last time we visit, too short.
This time we visit for slow.
Last time we come,
come with warships
Now with more shipsー
Say hello!
This time request use of port,
port for commercial intention,
harbor with ample dimension.
But you can'tー
Only one little port for a freighter.
But you can'tー
Just for fun. Be a sport.
Maybe laterー
But we bring many recent inventions:
Kerosene and cement, and a grain elevator
a machine you can rent called a "train"ー
Maybe laterー
Also cannon to shoot
big loud salute, like so:
Say hello!
Treaty meet approval? If no
Commodore Perry very fierce.
Disregard confusion below:
President Fillmore now name Pierce.
Good! At last, agreement is made
letter will let us come again.
First result of mutual trade:
Commodore getting letter letting
Councilor getting fancy pen! Goodbye.
Goodbye. (Goodbye.)
Goodbye. (Goodbye.)
Please goodbye.
Hello! (Goodbye.)
Hello, please! (Goodbye.)
Please…
Hello, I come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
who, learning how you're trading now, sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!"
and sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria
as well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia.
The man has come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
as well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia.
Tea?
For drink.
I see…
I thank youー
I think…
her letters do contain a few proposals to your Emperor
which if, of course, he won't endorse will put her in a temper, or
more happily, should he agree will serve to keep her placid, or
at least till I am followed by a permanent ambassador.
A treaty port and, from the Court a permanent ambassador.
A treaty port and, from the Court a permanent ambassador.
A treaty port and, from the Court a permanent ambassador.
and more…
Her Majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative
until we ship a proper diplomatic representative.
We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative
so please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative.
Yes, please ignore the man-of-war
that's anchored rather near to shore.
It's nothing but a metaphor
that acts as a preventative.
All clear? Just so. Sign here.
Hello, hello, objection, resent!
President Pierce say "moment's pause".
Please hello!
British get ambassador sent
President Pierce get extra clause.
Wait! Please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
Like to keep in touch!
Thank you very much!
Tell them to go.
Button up the lips.
What do little Nips
want with battleships?
Hold everything!
We gonna bringー
chocolate!
Wouldn't you like to lease
a beautiful little piece of chocolate?
Listen, that's not to mention
wonderfulーpay attention!ー
windmills and tulips…
and wouldn't you like a wooden shoe?
Thereーcan you read?
Good! We will need
Two ports
one of them not too rockyー
How about Nagasaki?
Two ports
one of them for the cocoaー
What do you call it?ーYoko
hama! Ja!
Und Nagasaki! Ja!
Sign here!
Wait please, objection again!
Great Britain wishes her position clear and indisputable:
Dutch getting too many seaports.
We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable.
President now wanting three portsー
And though you Japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutableー
Please hello!
Wait! Please hello!
Comes the monkey wrench!
Smell that awful stench:
Probably the French.
Also insist giving free portsー
Reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutableー
Please hello!
Ach, nein, of course…
My mistake, the Czar.
Smell the caviarー
leave the door ajar.
Also want annual reportsー
And thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable!
Please hello!
Is bringing Czar's request
braving snow
with letter to protest:
Since we know
you trading with the West
you might at least
(Don't touch the coat!)
start looking Eastーor closer Westー
well, farther Northーare we the fourth?
I feel depressed.
(Don't touch the coat!)
Coming next
is extraterritoriality.
Noting text say "extraterritoriality."
You perplexed
by "extraterritoriality"?
Just noting clause
(Don't touch the coat!)
which say your laws do not apply
(Don't touch the coat!)
when we drop byー
not getting shot, no matter what:
A minor scrape, a major rape, and we escape.
(Don't touch the cape!)
That's what is extraterritoriality.
Fair is fairー
You wish perhaps to vote?
What we care…
You liking what we wrote?
Sitting there
is finest fleet afloat.
Observing boat?
Don't touch the coat.
Just sign the note.
The British feel these latest dealing verges on immorality.
The element of precedent imperils our neutrality. (We want the same what Russkies claim!)
We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality. (U.S.A. extremely upset! President Pierce say solid "No!")
We must insist you offer this to every nationality! (Why you let them came? Dirty rotten shame!)
… 'allo! Please 'allo!
'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo!
I bring word, I bring word
from Napoleon ze Third.
'E ad 'eard what 'ave occurred 'ere from ze little bird!
Undeterred, we conferred
though we felt zat we'd been slurred
and ze verdict was he spurred me 'ere to bring ze word!
Would you like to know ze word
from Napoleon ze Third?
It's détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Just détente! Aw, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts, passing acts
zere's no time to make ze warfare
when you're always busy making wiz ze mutual détente!
A détente, a détente
zat's ze only thing we wish!
Same as zem, except additional ze rights to fish!
You'll be paid, you'll be paid
and we'll 'ave ze big parade
if we somehow can persuade you to accept our aid.
It is not to be afraid…
as we merely wish to trade…
Ah, détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Leave ze grain, leave ze train
put champagne among your imports!
Tell each man zat Japan
can't be bothered giving him ports
while she's in a tizzy dizzy wiz ze mutual détente!
It is late, and I fearー
well, you see, there's a famine…
Could you wait for a year?
We'll agree to examine it
But later, I fear. Such a drought and a famine… (A détente! A détente! Zat's ze only thing we want!)
If you wait for a year, then no doubt we'll examine it (Just détente! Oh, détente! No agreement could be more fair!)
Wait, please hello! Don't forget the Dutch!
But we've had a quake and a flood and a famine… (Signing pacts, passing acts, zere's no time for making warfare)
One moment, please, I think that these assure us exclusivity. (We just want as much Fishing Rights and such)
Please believe, we will take it to study, examine it… (Why discuss, make ze fuss, since ze West belong to us?)
Tell them to go, otherwise we post, battleships at most, ports along the coast. (For western ports, and other sorts of maritime activity. And if you mean to intervene, as is the Dutch proclivity)
Wait please, the east is the best coast! (Please hello, no seaports on the west)
And ze East we have leased for ze French administration.
Wait please, hello, west is ours. (United States too near to Czar)
You can have the west, we will take the rest. (We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity!)
If you force in ze Norce, zen we burn ze Dutch legation!
We'll trade you two on the West coast. (Is tempting fates, is go too farー)
Don't touch the coat!
Ah, détentes! Ah, détentes!
That's what everybody wants!
You should want a détenteー
makes a nation like a brother!
We'll be here every year
to protect you from each other
and to see you are not signing foreign treaties and détentes!
Please hello! We must go
but our intercourse will grow
through détente, as détente
brings complete cooperation.
By the way, may we say
we adore your little nation
and with heavy cannon wish you an unending please hello!