Lyrics: Andrew John Pinkerton
Music: Andrew John Pinkerton
Do you smoke? Do you drink?
Do your armpits tend to stink?
Why’d you dye your messy hair?
Do you change your underwear?
Sorry, we should really go.
We were here to see a show.
Meeting you’s been such a treat!
Yo, your dad is super sweet-
Maybe I wasn’t clear.
You two are staying here.
Tell me about your work!
You got a job, you little jerk?
Yeah, about that-
No, sir… I’m still in school.
Learning is pretty cool!
One day with my degree-
-You’ll never be as good as me.
No one dates my daughter till they earn the right, | This may seem impolite,
I don’t know you. I don’t like you. There’s no chance I might. | But we were not planning to invite
And nothing brings me more malicious and depraved delight | Our parents… Don’t take this as a slight.
Than to bury Girlfriend’s boyfriend on a funkin’ Friday night! | Enjoy the rest of your funkin’ Friday night.
Do you spit or pick your nose?
Own a gun? Wear women’s clothes?
Suck your thumb or bite your nails?
GET BEATEN UP BY ALPHA MALES?
Listen, lady- (-Call me Mom~)
-normally I’m much more calm.
But tonight I’m on a date
So all these questions gotta wait.
Got any moles or warts?
Rashes of any sort?
Do you eat human meat?
Suckle at the devil’s teat?
What does that even mean?!
I’m just a normal teen!
-Do you know the muffin man?
-Or have a Roth retirement plan?
No one dates our daughter till they earn the right, | This may seem impolite,
We don’t know you. We don’t like you. There’s no chance we might. | But we were not planning to invite
And nothing brings us more malicious and depraved delight | Our parents… Don’t take this as a slight.
Than to bury Girlfriend’s boyfriend on a funkin’ Friday night! | Enjoy the rest of your funkin’ Friday night.
Please give your perspective
On modern Non-Objective art!
Sorry, no thanks… I gotta be frank
That we’re due to depart…
Do you have tattoos?
What size are the shoes you’re wearing?
We need to know, has your appendix been removed?
What’s your blood type? Been to Spain? | No- Yes- About 11.
Were you ever potty trained? | O, I guess, around age 7.
Do you recycle glass and cans? | I don’t see how
Tell us all your future plans- | These questions matter now-
Mom. Dad… Since you’ve shown up,
Things have really blown up!
Look at me! I’m a grown-up!
I can make my own decisions!
Girlfriend, don’t be silly.
Do you think he’s really
Good enough for you?
Is this the best you can do?
Sure, he’s not drop-dead gorgeous-
-Smells like Old Spice and oranges-
I don’t really mind.
Plus they say that love is blind-
Does he brush twice a day?
Eat gluten soy, eggs, or whey?
See, you don’t even know!
This dumb kid has got to go!
You’re being so unfair! (Listen, pumpkin)
He’s not a creep, I swear! (Go on, dump him)
We’ll be together… forever! | Don’t protest…
Our kids will have blue hair! | We know best!
Boyfriend cannot date you till he earns the right! | Girlfriend ain’t your girlfriend, so get out of sight! | I don’t care if you’re right. | I know that I’m not quite
He just met you — barely knows you — but I’m scared he might! | She’s a winner. You’re a loser, and you know I’m right! | I love him… just as he is despite | Some kind of… Greek God or shining knight.
You’re clearly smitten with his wit and yes, he seems polite, | I hope this domineering message ain’t becoming trite | He’s not a… big star or socialite. | Your daughter… still thinks that I’m all right,
But Boyfriend needs a different Girlfriend for his funkin Friday night! | So go be someone else’s boyfriend on your funkin Friday night! | He’s just a… great date for funkin Friday night! | So maybe… don’t wreck her funkin Friday night.
This discussion’s over. I won’t have this fight! | Are you hard of hearing or just not too bright? | You’re always so up tight! | It’s clear we're not that tight,
Why’d we ever let you sign up for that dating site? | I won’t let my darling daughter date a parasite! | And Dad is… All bark and zero bite! | But maybe… one day, you’ll see the light
He may seem positively dreamy — straight up dynamite, | So beat it! Scram! Vamoose! Get lost! And don’t forget to write | Whatever! Go fly a flippin kite! | And then we’ll… get past this and unite
But Boyfriend’s still a swinging single on this funkin Friday night! | Cause you’re no longer Girlfriend’s boyfriend on this funkin Friday night! | You’re not the… boss of my funkin Friday night! | Around our… shared love of funkin Friday night!