Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim
Music: Stephen Sondheim
[MRS. LOVETT] That's all very well, but what are we going to do about the Italian?
[TODD] Later on, when it's dark, we'll take him out of the trunk and bury him
[MRS. LOVETT] Well, yes, of course, we could do that. I don't suppose he's got any relatives gonna come poking around looking for him. But you know me, bright ideas just pop into my head and I keep thinking...
Seems a downright shame
[TODD] Shame?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Seems an awful waste
Such a nice plump frame
What's his name has… had… has
Nor he can't be traced
Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift
If you get my drift
No?
Seems an awful waste
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
If you get it
[TODD]
Ha!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Good, you got it
Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a p***y's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste
[TODD]
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always
（MRS. LOVETT：Well, it does seem a waste）
Mrs. Lovett
How I've lived without you all these years
I'll never know
How delectable
Also undetectable
How choice
How rare
(Mrs Lovett: Think about it, lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave, won't they?
Think of All them Pies)
[TODD]
For what's the sound of the world out there
[MRS. LOVETT]
What, Mr. Todd
What, Mr. Todd
What is that sound
[TODD]
Those crunching noises pervading the air
[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around
[TODD]
It's man devouring man, my dear
[TODD/MRS. LOVETT]
And who are we to deny it in here?
[TODD]
Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. Desperate measure must be taken
[MRS. LOVETT]
Here we are now, hot out of the oven
[TODD]
What is that?
[MRS. LOVETT]
It's priest
Have a little priest
[TODD]
Is it really good?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh
[TODD]
Awful lot of fat
[MRS. LOVETT]
Only where it sat
[TODD]
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
[MRS. LOVETT]
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
How do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!
[TODD]
Mm, heavenly!Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either!
[MRS. LOVETT]
And good for business, too; always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!
Lawyer's rather nice
[TODD]
If it's for a price
[MRS. LOVETT]
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow it twice!
[TODD]
Anything that's lean?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, then, if you're British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
[TODD]
Is that squire
On the fire?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Mercy no, sir, look closer
You'll notice it's grocer!
[TODD]
Looks thicker
More like vicar!
[MRS. LOVETT]
No, it has to be grocer
It's green!
[TODD]
The history of the world, my love
[MRS. LOVETT]
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors!
[TODD]
Is those below serving those up above!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Ev'rybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavors!
[TODD]
How gratifying for once to know
[TODD/MRS. LOVETT]
That those above will serve those down below!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Now let's see, here... We've got tinker
[TODD]
Something... pinker
[MRS. LOVETT]
Tailor?
[TODD]
Paler
[MRS. LOVETT]
Butler?
[TODD]
Subtler
[MRS. LOVETT]
Potter?
[TODD]
Hotter
[MRS. LOVETT]
Locksmith?
Lovely bit of clerk
[TODD]
Maybe for a lark
[MRS. LOVETT]
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier
Peak of his career!
[TODD]
That looks pretty rank
[MRS. LOVETT]
Well, he drank
It's a bank
Cashier
Never really sold
Maybe it was old
[TODD]
Have you any Beadle?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!
Now then, this might be a little bit stringy
But then of course it's... fiddle player!
[TODD]
No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!
[MRS. LOVETT]
How can you tell?
[TODD]
It's piping hot!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Then blow on it first!
[TODD]
The history of the world, my sweet
[MRS. LOVETT]
Oh, Mr. Todd
Ooh, Mr. Todd
What does it tell?
[TODD]
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
[MRS. LOVETT]
And, Mr. Todd
Too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell!
[TODD]
But fortunately, it's also clear
[MRS. LOVETT/TODD]
That ev'rybody goes down well with beer!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, how about... rear admiral?
[TODD]
Too salty. I prefer general
[MRS. LOVETT]
With, or without his privates?
With is extra
[TODD]
What is that?
[MRS. LOVETT]
It's fop
Finest in the shop
Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily
Have one!
[TODD]
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Try the friar
Fried, it's drier!
[TODD]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Then actor
It's compacter!
[TODD]
Yes and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have judge on the menu
[MRS. LOVETT]
Wait, true, we don't have judge yet
But we've got something you might fancy even better
[TODD]
What is that?
[MRS. LOVETT]
Executioner!
[TODD]
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
[MRS. LOVETT]
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
[TODD]
We'll take the customers that we can get!
[MRS. LOVETT]
High-born and low, my love!
[TODD]
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone
Meaning anyone!
[MRS. LOVETT/TODD]
And to anyone!
At all!