Lyrics: Dustin Pfaff
Music: Dustin Pfaff
RAP BATTLE
Benoit Blanc vs Hercule Poirot
Hercule Poirot：
Mon dieu…
This poor man’s been attacked
Don’t panic though，have some confidence
Murders on the tracks are exactly what I am strongest in
Ah，Monsieur Blanc is it？
You’re…How you say？
INCOMPETENT！
Something here is afoot
So watch me once again go stomp on
SHHHH！
You’re too bothered with these long metaphors that you use to accomplish and prove nothing
Rule out people then you deduce from it
So what do you do that a game of Clue couldn’t？
Took a genre so crucially truthful and churned out regurgitative spoof vomit
If you’re wondering who Blanc is
He’s stood accused of reducing a whodunit to a who’s dumbest
Ah！The Best detective’s not likely double-o-seven herbs and spices
The only sense he’s left is of dress and that’s cause Inspector called a new stylist
I detect every tiny detail cause my mind magnifies it
Yet what I’ll never find is Benoit Blanc on any invite list
You’re an imposter
in hot water
like Among Us
in the bathtub
So full os crap，cut that bumpkin accent you yap with because that act’s up
Contrive your way into my brain with writing help from Rain？
Mon ami，there’s only one grey cell
I’ll let you see inside of…
Benoit Blanc：
This case is like an egg
What I mean is you can’t stand it
That’s alright
Enter Benoit Blanc
He’s here to crack it
Can I ask that you retract all your dull points like a fake knife？
That mustache mask alone’s covering up a crime
Your farfetched farming dreams will have to wait tight
The only thing you’ve planted in the soil is your late wife
It’s not a mystery，since seeing him be so wicked
That dame Agatha Christie wish he’d never been written
But please before you diss me consider the wind conditions
Watch it blow up in your face literally wire you trippin？
The collected evidence confirms this decorated veteran posessed the intent to disperse of this gentleman thus making this murder his second one
You’ve certainly switched your profession up
Now learn the taste of your own medicine
Too bad I could’t have served hime it earlier and prevented his heart from letting up
Columbo：
Sorry to interrupt your skirmish，detectives
I’m lieutenant columbo
I’d like to ask a few questions
I’ve never been the kinda man to act tough
But don’t force my hands or show you howcatchem
I know you smart types all have your methods but Blanc，it’s awful surpicious to find you next to that lifeless body arguing with it
Poirot，you said you worked with cops but what I tryinv to figure out
You spent all that time in Brussels never tried one of their sprouts？
And I’m sorry for your loss wives can nag at ya for a while but even after the murder，you’re still living in denial？
Mr.Blanc he inspired your act，right in fact
I can tell cause a donut’s not the kinda hole some would describe you as
Spent weeks abroad stressing your husband suspicious，isn’t it？
You’ll be the first man to catch a case while social distancing
That’ all…
Boy，whoever did this must’ve been some posh snob
Oh，just one more thing how much those watches cost？
L：
“Just one thing indeed，lieutenant
I’ll have to stop you right there“
“Don’t think you’re N’s successor just because you’re growing white hairs”
How typical，it’s rich men who target as suspects
But my suspicions of your guilt have grown beyond just one percent
So yes，I’d hardly call you qualified for solving this man’s death
The fake eye tells me your perception skills are far out of their depth
In all of your episodes it’s the same stars you’re opposing
Oh，this time Rob Culp’s the culprit？
‘Fantastic job’，Sherlock HomeLESS
You take what’s known rediscover
Less Columbo，more columbus
And that glass eye would spill glass tears before you ever cracked a Glass Onion
Your entire charade is built on lies and folk tales
That body seems like just another target Mr. Falk tailed
Batman：
“Not quite”
“But since you play a chess match well”
I am the Dark Knight
And I’ve been FOLLOWING YOUR PATH，L
We both were orphans
But through the pain I forged my way with discipline
Your mind was molded in a program made for gifted kids
I don’t think your goal’s to save the innocent
Prestige must be sugar-laced
I know your brain’s addicted to it
Your ego’s feasted well off Tokyo’s carcass
The perfect foil to Kira because you’re heartless treating lives like they’re pawns
Spending all of your time watching the light but make sure you mind the darkness
Cotham’s Shinigami in the darkest corners of the city watching
Preserving life and crashing any guilty party
Riddle solving it comes with the job
So hide as Hideki，L or Ryuzaki
There’s no pseudonym that you’re adoping
WHICH WILL STOP ME！
All that effort to see light indicted
Just to be written off by his sidekick’s sidekick
The pieces point to you from all sides
What will you do next？
It’s checkmate，and you’re just like your heart with no moves left
Shaggy Rogers：
How many damaged fragile assholes does it take to crack a murder scene？
Like，don’t lash out at Shaggy，man cuz it wasn’t me！
Scoob：
Batman！
Shaggy Rogers：
Scoob，we can’t rush to conclusions
It’s important
Last time someone took shots in the dark
Bruce got orphaned
Boy，wonder where would you get a sidekick
If the elementary doesn’t let him back in
Cuz I don’t think you’ll get away with
Like，how you like to meddle with kids
Been let up and tricked for 83 years and Gotham’s hope has not gotten closer
No belt or bat wings and I’m better equipped give me one crossover
I’ll drop the Joker
Every quack in Arkham slides right past ya when you catch’em
Like，I get the bat thing you’re blinder than Velma without her glasses
He’s got a Shagworthy sized mansion
Why are you never happy？
Gang，unmask him！
It’s Ben Affleck！
Zoinks！And he’s method acting！
1% percent and I trash your crummy villains in under minutes
Like，who raised you to be such an idiot like the butler did it！
Batman：
Okay Rogers
Solve the murder if you’re so damn smart
Shaggy Rogers：
Like，I’don’t know man
I’m only here for the free sandwich bar～
Sherlock Holmes：
Pass me my pipe and my hat
I got my eyes on the facts
Stringing more notes than my violin has
This case is finally CRACKED！
Step on the street with the baker and I put that fire in my RAPS
NOW THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO
Sherlock Holmes
THERE AIN’T A MIND WHO CAN MATCH
No，you can’t handle the truth
I’ve seen dead bodies that bring better value than you
What do you actually do？
No better than bait when your crew
Leaves you battered and bruised
Not a hard fact to deduce
Gathering clues on some Baskerville hounds
See a dog that can bite，tear a man to ground
But the mutts laid before me are Shaggy and Scoob
Hercule，I can see you ain’t aged well
No evidence，Relying on your fake tells
My sidekick’s a doctor
Arthur Hastings still aint using his brain or his “grey cells”
Searching for the murderer in cottages and quaint dwells
Terminate a perpetrator ‘fore they ever raise hell
Pray tell，you derail to distract from the pain when your wife derailed from the track
Like
Batman，all the tech that you got ain’t helping you more than one line of coke
Under all of that stuff you’re down to the core a regular bloke
Even L needs a force behind him
I’m solving crimes on my own
SO GO READ ABOUT IT GAIN MORE RENOWN WITH
Dr. Watson：
Every “death” that I “note”！
Sherlock Holmes：
Riding through on a horse drawn carriage
Dr. Watson：
Right past Frank，who got caught in a traffic
Sherlock Holmes：
Run down car，only banger he’s havin’
Dr. Watson：
He’s sorting clues，can’y sort his marriage
Sherlock Holmes：
Monsieur Blanc，here is advice I’m giving
Stop the villain ‘fore the crimes committed
Dr. Watson：
Cuz every visit you find a victim
Sherlock Holmes：
Like you’ve been bribed by sly morticians
Gathering the clues of the crime
Dr. Watson：
All you sleuths can’t decide
Sherlock Holmes：
On the culprit
Dr. Watson：
The weapon
Sherlock Holmes：
Or who’s in the right
But by looking how the lace on his shoe has been tied
Dr. Watson：
And the stains of the juice on his thigh
Sherlock Holmes：
That he tumbled and fell，I assume with a fright
Dr. Watson：
But I see there’s no blood or a wound in my sight
Sherlock Holmes：
With the use of my light see the moves of his eye
I can only conclude that this dude’s still ALIVE！
（END）
The Stupendium as Hercule Poirot
Shwabadi as Benoit Blanc
Gianni Matragrano as Columbo
Snakebite126 as L
Mr. Tibbs as Batman
Zawesome as Shaggy Rogers
Rustage as Sherlock Holmes
littleflecks as Dr. Watson