Music: Joe Iconis
[THE SQUIP, spoken] You see, human social activity is governed by rules.
And I have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them on to you
(sung) C-c-c-c-c-cmon, Jeremy, can't you see?
Your operating system is outdated
Come on, boo, you know that you
Make everyone around you nauseated
Hey, I've arrived now, this is not a drill
Bae, I've arrived, wow!
Won't be long until
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill
[JEREMY, faintly] Wow
[THE SQUIP] Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest
[JEREMY, spoken]Oh, but I am a masturbator
[THE SQUIP, spoken] We'll fix that
(sung) All your nerdiness is ugly
[JEREMY, spoken]I thought I was more of a geek?
[THE SQUIP]All your stammering's a chore
[JEREMY, spoken]Wha-stammer- no, I don't stammer, you know what I--
[THE SQUIP]Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more
[THE SQUIP]Bu--
[JEREMY]Ah-
[THE SQUIP]Buh
[JEREMY]Oh-
[THE SQUIP]No
[JEREMY]Ah?
[THE SQUIP]Stop
[JEREMY]Oh!
[THE SQUIP]Oh, everything about you is so terrible
[JEREMY]...terrible?
[THE SQUIP] Terrible!
[JEREMY] Oh...
[The SQUIP] Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die
[JEREMY] (heavy breathing)
[THE SQUIP] So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill
(spoken) Now, the first thing you need to change is your shirt. Buy that one!
[JEREMY, spoken] It says Eminem...
[THE SQUIP, spoken] If you鈥檙e so astute, what do you need me for?
[JEREMY, spoken] Do people still listen to Eminem?
[THE SQUIP, spoken] Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well
(sung) Oh, everything about you is so terrible
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL] Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!
[THE SQUIP] Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL] Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!
[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL] All the people in the mall
[THE SQUIP] Think you are such a slob
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL] You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!
[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL] And boy
[THE SQUIP] Can I see why!
(spoken) Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt
[CHLOE, spoken] ...Jerry?
[JEREMY, spoken] Jerry-me
[THE SQUIP, spoken] Greet the beta
[JEREMY, spoken] The be- oh. Hi, Brooke
[THE SQUIP, spoken] "You look sexy."
[JEREMY, spoken] I can't say that to a hot girl! Aaah!
[THE SQUIP, spoken] Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death
[JEREMY, spoken] Looking... pretty... sexy, Broo-ke!
[BROOKE, spoken] Thanks
[CHLOE, spoken] Is that a girl's shirt?
[JEREMY, spoken] No
[THE SQUIP, spoken] "Yes."
[JEREMY, spoken] Yes
[THE SQUIP, spoken & JEREMY, overlapping] Repeat after me:
(sung) I saw it in the window
I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss
And I couldn't dismiss
I was dating a girl
I was dating a girl
And she had a shirt just like this
And she had a shirt just like this, haha!
[THE SQUIP] It's still painful
[JEREMY] It's still painful
[CHLOE, spoken] So, who was this mystery girl?
[JEREMY, spoken] Oh, you've probably never heard of-
[THE SQUIP] Madeline
[JEREMY] Madeline
[CHLOE, spoken] What?
[JEREMY] She's French
[CHLOE, spoken] She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!
[BROOKE, spoken] Madeline broke up with you?
[JEREMY, spoken] Yeah
[THE SQUIP, spoken] No
[JEREMY, spoken] I mean--
[THE SQUIP] I broke up with her
[JEREMY] I broke up with her!
[THE SQUIP] 'Cause she was
Cheating on me
[JEREMY, overselling it] She was
Cheating on me-e-e-eeee!
[THE SQUIP] Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill
(spoken) Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept