Music: Phil Hoose
Our town made a plan for its civil defense
We all take the interstate north if things get tense
My wife sewed a map into my underclothes
So I’ll know where to run when the big whistle blows
We had a rehearsal last Saturday night
And all things considered the town did all right
Except on that ramp when that truck tried to pass
It took us four hours to clean up the glass
What if the Russians don't come
What if they like where they're from
What if they're not in the mood to invade
What if they're tired, or drunk, or afraid
What would we do if their generals just said, this is dumb
What if the Russians don't come
I've learned about Russians since I was a tyke
And here’s what I know about what they are like
They don't believe in God, and they never have fun
They're brainwashed, and dull, and they all weigh a ton
And in the Olympics if ever we meet
Their women are men, and their judges all cheat
Maybe you shouldn't rely just on me
Cuz I've not seen a Russian except on TV
What if the Russians have lives
What if their husbands and wives
If they come home late from work on the bus
And have to fix dinner for children that fuss
They may be too tired to come put us under their thumb
What if the Russians don't come
Our president says we're behind in the race
We needed some new missiles we need them in space
We’ve got to stay up with them lap after lap
Or the Russians will blow us right off the map
Well, I maybe dumb but sometimes I forget
What I've got against all these folks I ain't met
I wonder why they’d want to start World War Three
Could it be that they are wondering the same about me
What if the Russians are scared
What if they feel unprepared
You know, I bet that Ivan's as fried as I am
Tired of worrying about Uncle Sam
So why don't we stop before one of us does some dumb
What if the Russians don't come