Lyrics: Julia Mattison/Noel Carey
Music: Julia Mattison/Noel Carey
[MADELINE]
So tell me, Ernest, what would you do to me? Aesthetically?
A lift, a tuck, a freeze, a suck, some filler in the chin?
[ERNEST]
Oh, goodness, no
[MADELINE]
No, really, tell me, Ernest, if you had your way with me
Medically, are we talking face, chest, thighs, breasts?
Oh, God, I don't know where to begin
What about this vein on my leg?
I stressed it out from doing squats on the reg
Do you have time on Tuesday to squeeze me in?
[HELEN]
I told you, Ernest doesn't really do that
[ERNEST]
But she's a friend, Tuesday's doablе
[MADELINE]
Mm, doable, huh?
[MADELINE]
So, tell me, Ernеst, how much have you seen of me, cinematically?
The roms, the coms, the rom-coms, the dramas, the dramedies
[HELEN]
The straight-to-DVDs
[MADELINE]
No, really, Ernest, how often have you watched me?
[ERNEST]
Uh, sporadically?
[HELEN]
What?
[ERNEST]
I really liked the one where you were fighting with a sword
[MADELINE]
Oh, Thrust!
[HELEN]
That was her first Razzie award
[MADELINE]
You know I did all my own stunts
I only injured all of my co-stars once
Now swordplay foreplay's one of my specialties
We need another bottle
I must be boring you senseless
I'm just so thrilled that you both are here
Treat her well, I haven't seen Hel this happy in years
[ERNEST]
Well, hear, hear
[HELEN]
Thank you, Mad, so sincere
[MADELINE, HELEN & ERNEST]
Cheers
I'm so glad we did this
[HELEN]
Well, this has been so much fun, but oh, gosh, look at the time
[MADELINE]
Oh, please, you don't have anywhere else to be
Our Helen, always worrying
[MADELINE]
But tell me, Ernest
How's Helen in the sack?
[HELEN]
Mad!
[MADELINE]
Just curious
I've known this girl for twenty years
And never have I ever heard her make a uh-uh-woah
[HELEN]
Hey!
[MADELINE]
Oh, lighten up, Ernest!
[HELEN]
We should be heading back
[MADELINE]
Uh-oh, she's furious
Come on, Hel
You know I'm just having fun
[STEFAN]
Another glass
[MADELINE]
Ooh, we've only begun
A toast to friends for life
That's right, you're stuck with me, Ernie
Thank your wife
[HELEN]
Well, it's been fun, but we gotta go
I think I'm done, gonna hit the road
[MADELINE]
I must be boring you senseless
[HELEN]
Oh, we must be bored
[MADELINE & HELEN]
I feel so thrilled that you both are here (We're out of here)
[MADELINE & HELEN]
We should do this again
[MADELINE]
How's next week?
[HELEN]
How's next year?
[MADELINE, HELEN & ERNEST]
Cheers, cheers
[MADELINE]
I'm so glad
[ERNEST]
So glad
[HELEN]
So ****ing glad
[MADELINE, HELEN & ERNEST]
We did this