Lyrics: Alan Jay Lerner
Music: Frederick Loewe
"Higgins (entering upstage)
What in all of Heaven could have prompted her to go?
(sings)
After such a triumph at the ball?
What could have depress’d her?
What could have possess’d her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all!
(He exits.)
Pickering (calling offstage to Higgins) (spoken)
Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he can help. I’ll call him.
(picks up phone)
Whitehall seven, two, double four, please.
Higgins (enters again, singing, with tie half pulled on)
Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,
Vascillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening, and infuriating hags!
(He exits.)
Pickering (into phone)
Brewster Budgin, please... Yes, I’ll wait!
Higgins (enters in sweater) (spoken)
Pickering, why can’t a woman be more like a man?
(Pickering gives him a startled look.)
Pickering (spoken)
I beg your pardon!
Higgins
Yes...
(sings)
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Why can’t a woman be like that?
Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up like their fathers instead?
(crosses downstage)
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.
(crosses to Pickering)
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?
Pickering (spoken)
Of course not.
Higgins
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
Pickering (spoken)
Nonsense.
Higgins
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Pickering (spoken)
Never!
Higgins (spoken in rhythm)
Why can’t a woman be like you?
(sings – crosses downstage buttoning sweater)
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvellous sex!
(crosses downstage right-center)
Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
Men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
(crosses back to Pickering)
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
Pickering (spoken)
Of course not.
Higgins
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Pickering (spoken)
Nonsense.
Higgins
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Pickering (spoken)
Never!
Higgins
Why can’t a woman be like us?
(He exits upstage. Music pauses for dialogue.)
Pickering (into the phone) (spoken)
Hello, is Brewster Budgin there, please?
(pause)
Boozy? You’ll never, never, never guess who this is!... Yes, it is. By George, what a memory! How are you, old fellow? It’s so good to hear your voice again... Thirty years? Is it really? Yes... That’s a lot of water under the... uh... thing. Boozy, old chap, I’ll tell you why I called. Something rather unpleasant has happened at this end. Could I come right over and see you? Oh, good. I’ll be right there. Thank you, Boozy.
(He hangs up the phone as Mrs Pearce enters with the coffee.)
I’m going over to the Home Office,
Mrs Pearce.
Mrs Pearce (crosses to table, puts coffee down) (spoken)
I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering.
Mr Higgins will miss her.
Pickering
Mr Higgins will miss her! Blast Mr Higgins! I’ll miss her!
(He exits.)
Higgins (offstage)
Pickering! Pickering!
(enters carrying hat and jacket. Stops at stage center, to Mrs Pearce) (spoken)
Where’s the Colonel?
Mrs Pearce
He’s gone over to the Home Office, sir.
Higgins
Now, you see that, Mrs Pearce. I’m disturbed and he runs to help. Now there’s a good fellow. Mrs Pearce, you’re a woman...
(at upstage center, singing)
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
(crosses downstage to Mrs Pearce, hands her his coat and hat)
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
(She helps him into his coat, hands him his hat.)
If I were a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?
(He stalks off.)"