Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim
Music: Stephen Sondheim
FRENCH WAITRESS Bonjour! Bienvenue to Bistro à la Mode.
MARIANNE I hate to ask, but could we have some water?
FRENCH WAITRESS Watteur? You want watteur?
LEO Lemme get this straight. Nothing here is what it seems?
FRENCH WAITRESS Non, non, non! That is passé! Our new menu is post-deconstructif.
Everything now… is what it is!
We 'ave boeuf—
That is actual boeuf —
On the actual hoeuf.
We 'ave pigeon that's made out of pigeon,
And a green salad
Made of just —
Greens.
We hear an offstage choral wail.
CLAUDIA How is the pigeon prepared?
FRENCH WAITRESS Does it matteur?
What does anything matteur?
It is what it is.
Things are what they are.
La vie est la vie.
LEO Okay. Everybody know what they want?
FRENCH WAITRESS Do we know what we want?
Does anyone know what they want?
As soon as we know what we want
And find what we want,
Life, she spits in our face.
PAUL Any specials?
FRENCH WAITRESS Black bean soup...
Blackened catfish...
Blackbird pudding...
Boudin noir...
Black Sea blackberries
In a chocolate gateau.
Dark chocolate. Dark dark dark...
LEO Chicken Basquaise, baby. That's what I want.
FRENCH WAITRESS Sometimes you want too much,
Too soon —
And then it's too late.
But what can you do
If that's on your plate?
You do what you can.
The choir continues to wail in mourning.
MARIANNE What's going on back there?
FRENCH WAITRESS Nothing. Nothing. C'est rien là.
MARIANNE Is that a private room?
FRENCH WAITRESS It is nothing. Really —
MARIANNE But I adore private rooms!
A body is revealed behind the curtain, laid out for a funeral.
CLAUDIA Oh. My. God.
PAUL Philippe... !
LEO That's Philippe?
FRENCH WAITRESS That was Philippe.
LEO He's just kidding, right?
FRENCH WAITRESS Monsieur, he was French. He 'ave no sense of humeur.
'E was what 'e was.
We are what we are.
It is what it is...
So. Are we ready to ordeur?