Lyrics: Alan Jay Lerner
Music: Frederick Loewe
"Servants
Poor Professor Higgins!
Poor Professor Higgins!
Night and day he slaves away!
Oh, poor Professor Higgins.
All day long on his feet;
Up and down until he’s numb.
Doesn’t rest; doesn’t eat;
Ah.
Doesn’t touch a crumb.
(The Servants disappear. The lights come up. Pickering is having tea in the wing chair with the tray right of him. Eliza is on the sofa watching the food tortuously. Higgins is right of xylophone, cup in hand, and tapping out first three notes of ‘How kind of you to let me come’.)
Higgins (spoken)
Kind of you, kind of you.
(He plays the xylophone.)
How kind of you to let me come.
Eliza (spoken)
How kind of you to let me come.
Higgins (putting mallet down, crosses to behind sofa)
No! Kind of you. It’s just like ‘cup of tea’. Kind of you – cup of tea. Kind of you – say ‘cup of tea’.
Eliza
A cappatea.
(In spotlight, the Servants sing at stage left.)
Servants
Poor Professor Higgins!
Poor Professor Higgins!
On he plods, against all odds;
Oh, poor Professor Higgins!
Nine p.m., ten p.m.,
On through midnight ev’ry night.
One a.m., two a.m.,
Three...
(The Servants disappear. The lights come up. Higgins and Eliza are facing each other,
Dr Higgins on stool, Eliza on wing chair. Pickering is on sofa.)
Higgins (placing marbles in her mouth) (spoken)
Four – five – six marbles. There we are.
(holding up a slip of paper)
Now, I want you to read this and enunciate each word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth. ‘With blackest moss, the flower pots were thickly crusted, one and all.’ Each word clear as a bell.
Eliza (reading unintelligibly) (spoken)
With blackest moss the flower pots... I can’t! I can’t!
Pickering (spoken)
I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?
Higgins
If they were necessary for Demosthenes, they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle. Go on, Eliza.
Eliza
With blackest moss, the flower pots were thickly crusted, one and all...
Higgins
I cannot understand a word. Not a word.
Eliza (with renewed vigor)
With blackest moss, the flower pots were thickly crusted, one and all; the rusted nails fell from the knots that held the pear to the gable-wall...
Pickering (speaking after Eliza has said ‘blackest moss’)
I say, Higgins, perhaps the poem is too difficult for the girl. Why don’t you try a simpler one? Like: ‘The Owl and the P***y-cat’? That’s a damned fine poem!
Higgins (thundering)
Pickering! I cannot hear the girl!
(Eliza gasps and takes the marbles out of her mouth.)
Higgins (spoken)
What’s the matter? Why did you stop?
Eliza (spoken)
I swallowed one.
Higgins
Oh, don’t worry. I have plenty more. Open your mouth....
(He starts putting them into her mouth again.)
Blackout
(In spotlight, the Servants are singing at stage left.)
Servants
Quit, Professor Higgins!
Quit, Professor Higgins!
Hear our plea, or payday we will
Quit, Professor Higgins!
‘Ay’ not ‘i’; ‘o’ not ‘ow’;
Pounding, pounding in our brain.
‘Ay’ not ‘i’; ‘o’ not ‘ow’;
Don’t say ‘rine’, say ‘rain’...
(The Servants disappear. The lights come up. It is very late at night, or very early in the morning. Pickering is stretched out on the wing chair with a newspaper over his face. Eliza is on the sofa in a complete state of exhaustion. Higgins is seated behind the desk with an ice-bag on his head.)
Higgins (slowly) (spoken)
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Eliza (leaning on sofa) (spoken)
I can’t. I’m so tired. I’m so tired.
Pickering (from under the paper) (spoken)
Oh, for God’s sake, Higgins. It must be three o’clock in the morning. Do be reasonable.
Higgins (plopping ice-bag on her head. She takes the ice-bag off her head and buries her face in it.)
I know your head aches. I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher’s window. But think what you’re trying to accomplish.
(sits next to her on sofa)
Think what you’re dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language. It’s the greatest possession we have. The noblest sentiments that ever flowed in the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. That’s what you’ve set yourself to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will.
(He rises, she has been staring at him in great wonderment and inspiration. He crosses to desk chair and sits, leaning back.)
Now, try it again.
Eliza
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Higgins (not believing, sits up)
What was that?
Eliza
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Higgins (rises)
Again."