No Place Like London

Music: Stephen Sondheim (Anthony)I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders From the Dardanelles To the mountains of Peru But there's no place like London! I feel home again I could hear the city bells Ring whatever I would do No, there's no place— (Todd) No, there's no place like London Mr.Todd, sir? You are young Life has been kind to you You will learn (spoken)So Anthony, it is here we go our separate ways.  Farewell. I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful nor the young man who saved my life. (old female beggar)Alms! Alms! For a miserable woman On a miserable chilly morning Oh thank yer, sir, thank yer… 'Ow would you like a little squiff, dear A little jig jig A little bounce around the bush? Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet? It looks to me, dear Like you got plenty there to push Alms! Alms! For a pitiful woman Wot's got wanderin' wits— Hey, don't I know you, mister? (Todd)Off with you woman! Off,I said, leave! (old female beggar)Then 'ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?  We'll go jig jigA little— (Todd)Off, I said. To the devil with you! (old female beggar)Alms! Alms! For a pitiful woman... (Anthony)Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her. She was only a half-crazed beggar woman. London's full of them. Mister Todd sir -(Todd)What Is it If you need any help or money or any- (Todd)No! There's a hole in the world like a great black pit And the vermin of the world inhabit it And its morals aren't worth What a pig could spit And it goes by the name of London At the top of the hole Sit the privileged few Making mock of the verminIn the lower zoo Turning beauty into filth and greed I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders For the cruelty of men Is as wondrous as Peru But there's no place like London! There was a barber and his wife And she was beautiful A foolish barber and his wife She was his reason and his life And she was beautiful And she was virtuous And he was naive There was another man who saw That she was beautiful A pious vulture of the law Who with a gesture of his claw Removed the barber from his plate Then there was nothing but to wait And she would fall So soft, so young, so lost And oh, so beautiful (Anthony)And the lady, did she succumb? (Todd) Oh that was many years ago I doubt if anyone would know Now Anthony leave me I beg you There’s somewhere I must go, something I must find out Now and alone (Anthony)But surely we will meet again, before I’m off to Plymouth? (Todd)You will find me if you want to. Down around Fleet Street, I wouldn’t wonder (Anthony)Until then, Mister. Todd (Todd)There is a hole in the world like a great black pit And it was filled with people who are filled with sh*t And the vermin of the world inhabit it