Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim
Music: Stephen Sondheim
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can wake with ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something that rose from the dead
On the top of my head
Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like what I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!
'Twas Pirelli's Miracle elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir ought to do
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed
(Penny buys a bottle, I don't know) Go ahead and tug, sir
(You don't need, ah, let's go) Go ahead, sir, harder
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir, 'tis unique
Rub a minute, stimulating, in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week
Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed
(Penny buys a bottle, might as well) (I just did)
Gently dab it, gets to be a 'abit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See this chap with hair like Shelley's?
You can tell he's used Pirelli's
(Let me have a bottle) (Make that two)
Todd: Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?
Mrs Lovett: Are we standing near an open trench?
Todd: Must be standing near an open trench
Buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls
Wanna buy a bottle, missus?
Todd: What is this?
Mrs Lovett: What is this?
Todd: Smells like piss
Mrs Lovett: Smells likePhew! (He says it smells like piss)
Todd: Looks like piss (What d'you think?)
Todd: This is piss, piss with ink
(Give us the bloody money)
Todd: Where is this Pirelli? (Yes, where is this Pirelli?)
Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir
Todd: Keep it off your boots, sir, eats right through (Go and get Pirelli)
Yes, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it
Mrs Lovett: Flies do too
(Get the bloody money off him)
(Get the bloody money off him)
See Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Grow a little wick, sir, then some fuzz
The Pirelli's, soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir always does!
Trust Pirelli's if your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir, don't look grim
Just Pirelli's Miracle elixir
That'll do the trick, sir?
(What about the money?)
If you've got it a kick, sir
(What about the money?)
(Where is this Pirelli?)
(Go and get Pirelli)
Tell it to the mixer
Of the miracle elixir
If you've got a kick, sir
Talk to him