Watch the screen, watch the screen...
We like to show you all certain colourful scenes that are rather special
We have penetrated everywhere - never miss a trick
Well I tell you it's good - put yourselves in our hands and you'll see...
We are the strangest couple of coves who ever lived
Set up the video, Matey and we'll show them a thing or two 'fore they run away (Rip out the telephone)
You'll see some ramifications that'll make your hair curl like a pompadour, like a genuine Teasy
Things that no-one ever saw before...
Here is a candid shot on a certain ferry, with a pair of sailors at half mast
What a scene, what a picture on our video
It's a scream when you're shooting it and nobody knows
What's obscene, what is naughty in your libido
What a team, me and Matey, with our video shows
Look at that feller there - who would guess he's a knight and a famous surgeon?
Watch his hands shake as he probes that naval orifice
Well I said it was good and there's more where that came from, oh yes
We are the strangest couple of blokes who ever lived
Set up the video camera and we'll shoot any private passion or hidden shame
There's no colour bar
You'll see a chief from the Congo and a pair of corgis on a royal tour
And a lady in Scotland
Things the like of which we must explore
Here is a lovely scene, got it from underneath them just after certain people lost a war
What a dream, what a nightmare on our video
It's a scream when you're shooting them from way down below
What a scene, what a caper, what a picture show
What a scream, me and Matey with our video shows
Take 'Madame Clutterbuck' - her real name if I told you would raise your eyebrows
She appears in public every day rather differently
Well I told you it's good, and there's more where that come from, oh yes
We are the strangest couple of chavs who ever lived
Set up the video pictures and you keen people-watchers drool over hot delights
We have no prejudice
You'll see a dowager princess and a keen young footman and a bombardier
And a banker of merit
Things like that you know you can't ignore
We want to show all, pikkies of rather smaller but very sporty people, rich and poor
What a scene, what a picture on our video
What a scream when you're shooting it and nobody knows
What's obscene, what is naughty in your libido
What a team, me and Matey, with our video shows
What a dream, what a nightmare on our video
Elton Dean's sax is straighter than some people we know
What a scene, what a caper, what a picture show ...
What a scream, me and Matey with our video shows
(Lyrics by Hugh Hopper)