Franklin Shepard, Inc.

Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim Music: Stephen Sondheim [INTERVIEWER] Now, how do you two work together? [CHARLEY] Oh, may I answer that? How do we work together? Sure He goes — (piano keys) And I go — (typing) And soon we're humming along — Hmmm-mmm And that's called writing a song — Hmmm-mmm Then he goes — (piano keys) And I go — (typing) And the phone goes brrrring! And he goes — "Mutter mutter mutter mutter, yes Jerome Mutter, no Jerome Mutter mutter mutter mutter" — That's his lawyer, Jerome — "Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter, do it Jerome" "Sorry, Charley… " (piano keys) So I go — (typing) And he goes — (piano keys) And I go — (typing) And soon we're tapping away — Hmmm-mmm Bzzz! "Sorry, Charley… " Bzzz! —Secretary — Bzzz! — On the intercom — "Yes, Miss Bizz?" "It's a messenger… " "Thanks, Miss Bizz Will you tell him to wait? Will you order the car? Will you call up the bank? Will you wire the coast? Will you — " Brrrrrring! "Sorry, Charley — " "Mutter mutter mutter mutter, sell the stock Mutter, buy the rights Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter" Bzzz! "Let me put you on hold… " Bzzz! "Yes, Miss Bizz" "It's the interview… " "Thanks, Miss Bizz" Will you tell him to wait? Will you wire the car? Will you order the coast? Will you send up the bank?" And the telephones blink And the stocks get sold And the rest of us he keeps on hold And he's into making movies And he's now a corporation Right? So I play at home With my wife and kids And I wait to hear the movie bids And I've got a little sailboat And I'm into meditation Right He flies off to California I discuss him with my shrink That's the story of the way we work Me and Franklin Shepard, Inc Ha! I am beginning to enjoy this I promise to be honest if you promise to handle the lawsuit [INTERVIEWER] Now, when you do work together, I've always been curious Which generally comes first — the words or the music? [CHARLEY] Generally, the contract [INTERVIEWER] Ah, well that sounds like you think making money is a bad thing for an artist [CHARLEY] Money? (piano keys) Did I say money? (typing) No, I like money a lot — Hmmm-mmm I mean, it's better than not — Hmmm-mmm But when it's — (snort) Money… (snort, snort) Money… When you're into — (snort) Money… And you should be — (piano keys) Listen, Frank does the money thing very well, but you know what? Other people do it better And Frank does the music thing very well And you know what? No one does it better Still, the telephones blink And the buzzers buzz And I really don't know what he does But he makes a ton of money And a lot of it for me — Right? So I think "Okay," And I start a play And he somehow knows 'Cause right away It's brrrring! "Hiya, buddy Wanna write a show? Got a great idea We'll own all the rights With a two-week out And a turnaround On the guarantee Plus a gross percent Of the billing clause — " And there I am in California Talking deals and turning pink Back in business and I mean just that Back with Franklin Shepard, Inc Very sneaky how it happens Much more sneaky than you think Start with nothing but a song to sing Next, you're Franklin Shepard — Wait a second Wait one second I'm getting in too deep here [INTERVIEWER] Frank, let me ask you... [CHARLEY] See, Frank and I are not that kind of close Not like we used to be [INTERVIEWER] And now, Frank... [CHARLEY] And a friendship is like a garden You have to water it, tend it And care about it You know what? I miss it, and I want it back Look, nothing permanent has happened Just a temporary kink Friendship's something you don't really lose… Ladies and gentlemen don't let me lose the greatest composer any lyricist ever had Phone him, write him, stop him on the street - you'll recognise him, he's the one going through his chequebook- and tell that man to get back to his piano Very sneaky how it happens Every day you're on the brink First the prizes, then the interviews — Oh, my God, I think it's happened Stop me quick before I sink One more triumph that I can't refuse — In case you didn't notice, this is my first time on TV — and my last No, here's the point, whatever happens — Then we'll all go have a drink — That's the guy I love, the fella who's Inside - "Mutter mutter mutter mutter Quick, Jerome, get the president, there's a crazy man on my TV screen… " Inside — Bzzz! Bzzz! Brrring! — Inside Franklin Shepard — Just write him care of any bank, U.S.A. — Inc!